The Year in Review

There’s no crying in Crunchable.

Can you believe it? It’s been two whole years of Crunchable madness! I know I have a hard time comprehending it sometimes myself. However, accept it or not, it has happened. And it has been our tradition now, while other people foolishly wait for New Year’s to do their Year-In-Reviews, we at Crunchable boldly step up and do ours on our own birthday, because that’s just the kind of people we are.

November 2002

Romania joins NATO! The grand alliance warmly opens its arms to its newest friend/testing range! Fortunately, Romania probably won’t have to worry about any actual military activity, as the UN signs legislation demanding continued inspections in Iraq. With Bush clearly working with the UN, things can only go smoothly from here, right?

Meanwhile, Christianity faces another crisis.

December 2002

The month starts off with a bang as the moon once again proves it makes a better door than a window. As for more Earthly matters, the situation in Iraq continues to heat up, with Bush flexing his unilateral muscle. Things have gotten to the point that even Moby starts to ask questions that many of us are, amusingly, still asking ten months later.

Up in Buffalo, a list of America’s 50 Worst People is published. This Crunchable writer starts to wonder why he doesn’t publish his own self-important list.

January 2003

THE PRESIDENT: Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished citizens and fellow citizens: Every year, by law and by custom, we meet here to consider the state of the union. This year, we gather in this chamber deeply aware of decisive days that lie ahead.

That’s right, it’s that time of year again. And there sure were some decisive days ahead this January, for sure. Continuing, our proud president reminds us again that Saddam Hussein and 9/11 are inexorably tied together — Before September the 11th, many in the world believed that Saddam Hussein could be contained. But chemical agents, lethal viruses and shadowy terrorist networks are not easily contained. Good thing he has plenty of proof to back that up, right?

The American public also gets its first taste of the future of warfare: shock and awe. Concurrently, the government moves to shock and awe the environment with the new H2.

Finally, Super Bowl XXXVII has the unexpected benefit of being totally pirate-themed, and no one really bothers to play it up.

February 2003

Don’t worry, things are going to be great in Iraq after we’re done with it! With such stirring visions, how could anyone possibly not support a war? Not that war is a definite at this point, but it is.

More importantly however, DNA turns fifty! No time to rest on its laurels, though; some important people have some big ideas for it.

Elsewhere, the possibilities of the Universe are examined.

March 2003

Sadness.

All in all, March 2003 will go down in history as a pretty crappy month overall. In a big surprise, Bush and friend announce that Saddam Hussein is officially boned. Shock and awe starts in earnest, and media creams their collective pants. The media is not alone; the Internet provides the perfect chance for everyone in the world to weigh in with their opinions.

Overshadowed by tons of explosives, the CIA makes a prediction that is generally ignored, but what kind of problem could guys like that cause anyway?

As if to try and salvage something of itself, the last day of March does hold something of a ray of sunshine.

April 2003

As expected, things go just swimmingly in Iraq. Kidding aside, the war does wrap up promptly, as was expected. The president pisses his own pants in delight at one of the best photo ops since the Berlin Wall. Fortunately, the American public need not worry about photo ops being the only thing of import, because everyone knows the media never manipulates anything.

Oh, and don’t forget to hate France.

Also, an important day for Crunchable as we score our best celebrity interview ever.

May 2003

Commencement time! Across the nation college students graduate into one of the best economies since the Great Depression! Now, of course, depending on what school a student goes to, the quality of their commencement speaker can vary greatly.

In another milestone for Crunchable, our esteemed editor-in-chief writes his 375th article addressed to woman or women unknown. Go get ‘em, chief!

(Hey, I’ve sworn them off. I think. — ed.)

June 2003

Another loss in the world of entertainment. This unfortunately signals a trend that will carry on for the rest of the year.

In other parts of the world, other disturbing trends continue on very much as usual.

July 2003

Happy Fourth of July! Celebrate your life and liberty by trying to forget about everything going on in other certain, not-to-be-named, parts of the world. In fact, why not enjoy yourself by going out and doing something your DNA tells you to. DNA or not, just be glad you can do stuff like that and not end up like these guys. And trust us, it’s better to get out and do something than to screw around with your computer.

August 2003

Crunchable goes on vacation! Some of us go off to enjoy the beach, others of us go off to do things of a more esoteric nature. But we must ask ourselves, is it really us choosing what we do, or is it the influence of something more heavenly that is controlling us.

The influence of Mars can be seen very clearly in certain events going on in America. Maybe events elsewhere in the world, too.

There are even a few things that some people would like to blame on Mars, but that might not get them very far.

September 2003

Uh-oh! Problems in Bush-land! Lucky for him, the media only has a five-minute attention span, and there are other things going on to salivate over.

In this years continued tradition of things being destroyed, a brave traveler takes one last plunge for mankind. Good journey to you, our celestial pilgrim!

And yes, we did get smacked by a hurricane. It showed us that society and memories can both be fragile, so you’d best cherish them both.

October 2003

It’s at this point that the writer charged with reviewing the year starts to reflect upon what an utter pile it kind of was. Sure, there was some good, but it’s hard to remain too positive when you get to the last month on the list, and all you can see is this.

And I didn’t even get into North Korea yet. Nor mentioned Iraq for the last few months. Nor the fact that even video games are victimized. Nor the fact that the BBC’s search archives blow. And it’s going to be darker longer.

But I digress.

There are still a few rays of hope out there, and trust me when I say Crunchable will be right here to help guide them to you!

With that said, let’s all do this again next year. I’ll bring some pie.

Article © 2003 by Joel Haddock