For those that have known me for a while, what I am about to say will not come as big news. However, for the public at large, this is a groundbreaking announcement that could very well go down in history. And I am referring to real history books here, not things like Weird History 101. To the matter at hand, however. My announcement is this:
I, Joel Haddock, hereby declare my intentions to run for President of the United States of America on the 2016 ballot.
Some of you, at this point, may point out that 2016 is a fairly good distance away, temporally speaking. That is, undeniably, correct. However, I have decided that if you’re going to make a run for the presidency, you might as well do it right and get as much of a head start over your opponents as possible. And since, under the current American laws, 2016 is the first election year that I can legally run as a candidate, I’m going to take the bull by the horns and run the best 14-year campaign I can.
Consider this my first official press briefing. If anyone from the press is reading, and I’m sure they are, I am more than willing to answer any questions about my candidacy. CNN, listen to what I’m saying here: This is a guaranteed 14 years’ worth of news, starting now. This takes the thrill of the campaign trail and gives it the chronological stretching it always needed.
As current trends show us, campaigns are starting earlier and earlier every election cycle. People are already beginning to subtly stump for 2004. My plan is simply a natural extension of this process. It will be a ratings bonanza. I’ll be happy even if you want to relegate me to Headline News for the first six or seven years.
Of course, some of you may be questioning some more practical aspects of this campaign. “Where do you stand on the issues?” I hear you asking. To you I ask, “Which issues?”
Really. Go on, send me an e-mail and ask me what I think about something. I am going to be the most accessible candidate ever.
With 14 years to work with, I will have more than enough time to answer each and every concerned citizen’s questions personally. Sure, it might take me a few years to get back to you, but you’ll get your answer. And who knows? Maybe the question you ask me might become irrelevant by the time I get back to you, but at least you’ll know that took the time to care anyway.
Also, by being in the public eye for 14 years, I lessen the chance that some scandal will pop up to derail me. I’ll bet all the spin doctors out there would love to have this much time to deal with damage control.
Plus, this will force any of my rivals’ hands. They might have to think twice about waiting until 2014 or 2015 to announce their campaigns. When poll time rolls around, I think they’ll know that the public is going to remember the guy who has been chatting to them for 14 years, and the jerk who thinks they can just stroll in late to the election. It is, of course, all a matter of perspective.
At the core of my campaign will be one guiding principle: honesty. I’m not just talking about John McCain Straight Talk Express kind of honesty, I’m talking about absolutely brutal honesty. Politicians are always making veiled comments about how they feel about things, but why screw around with the veil? Just get out there and say it is my policy.
I’m talking about saying the kinds of things that cause candidates to lose funding from their secretive backers. But that’s just it: I can afford to say those things because I’m not too worried about money; I have time on my side.
Here, check this out: “The trade blockade against Cuba doesn’t work, has never worked, and is going to continue not working forever. We would be more popular and make a lot of money if we just got rid of it.”
See? Doesn’t it sound simple when you just come right out and say it? Now, granted, that may lose me some votes with the Cuban exile population in Florida, but we’ve got 14 years to come together on something else.
You may think that all this is just a lot of big talk, and that I won’t really come through in the clutch. But trust me, if I think my opponent is a fucking moron, you’ll hear me at the debates saying “With all due respect, you are a fucking moron.”
That’s what democracy is all about.
So, with that said, I bring my first official press conference to an end. I look forward to the campaign ahead, and I hope I can count on all of you for support. I know that many of the readers on this site are in fact not American, but I still appreciate any encouragement. Plus, who knows — 14 years is plenty of time to change citizenship, right?
See you at the polls!