A Treatise on Maryland’s
History of Automotive Folly

A rather poorly researched account of why we hate idiot drivers, with a side discussion about drunken monkey chauffeurs.

Editors’ note: The following article may contain some minor historical inaccuracies.

Maryland, my current home state, was founded as a haven for Catholics. In 1649, the government passed the “Toleration Act,” which allowed religious freedom to all Christian denominations. The fine print of this document contains a revolutionary law, unnoticed by most historians, which states that Maryland will also tolerate “all who doth desire to travel by horse, horse-drawn carriage, horseless carriage, and carriage-less horse in any fashion they wish.” The impact this law has had on Maryland history is immeasurable. The writers correctly predicted the invention of the horseless carriage two centuries later, yet they failed to foresee the inherent problem with letting drivers do whatever the hell they want.

Trouble began early in 1650, when John McClinton of Blandensburg drove his carriage backward into a school. No one was injured, but several wooden planks were severely damaged, and his horse, Mrs. McClinton, suffered dehydration after her backwards jaunt. Another incident in 1737 nearly destroyed the city of Baltimore. Local rube Jimmy Bob Robertson failed to use his turn signal, forcing a UPS wagon off the road and into a nearby sports field. The wagon nearly killed rookie phenom Cal Ripken Jr. before setting fire to the new aquarium. The fire engulfed nearly half of the downtown area while Emperor Nero played his violin. Nero would later travel back in time to Rome and murder thousands of Christians in hopes that he would stop the tragedies of the future.

With the invention of the automobile, things only got worse. In 1931, a stoned Franklin Delano Roosevelt drove his polio-fueled Model-T into his wife Eleanor. After several facial surgeries, she was deemed fit for public viewing, although this was a source of much debate. Other politicians would not be so lucky. On May 15, 1972, Thomas Keggan of Laurel used his car to hunt quail through the city streets. While firing his semi-automatic at his prey, an errant bullet struck presidential hopeful and civil rights leader George Wallace, paralyzing him. Wallace would go on to have a prominent career as a children’s entertainer under the name Willard Scott.

These trends continue today. Millions of Marylanders get into accidents every day. Millions more die from these accidents. Millions more must read about these accidents. We must do something before it’s too late and we run out of people to drive cars. Do we want our children to grow up in a world full of monkey chauffeurs and — worse yet — drunk monkey chauffeurs?

For this reason, I’ve created a proposition that would eliminate this outdated law and set up rules that would help protect drivers. These new regulations would be implemented by Proposition 234, which I intend to get on the ballot in the November election. The law would include the following provisions:

  • Article I: All drivers must be tested for idiocy. Anyone who fails the test will be forced to attend classes that stress the importance of not being an idiot.
  • Article II: Blinkers, or turning signals, will be provided to the millions of people whose blinkers are apparently broken.
  • Article III: All monkey chauffeurs must be sober at all times. Any drunk monkey chauffeurs will immediately be shot into space.
  • Article IV: Readers will be assigned to all drivers who have previously tried to read the newspaper while driving. This provision also allows for stylists and make-up artists to accompany those who need their services.
  • Article V: Drivers who veer in and out of lanes will be arrested, dressed as giant bananas, and shot into space along with the previously mentioned intoxicated monkey chauffeurs.

It is my belief that these laws will provide Maryland with safer roadways, while providing NASA with much-needed astronauts and test subjects. It would also eliminate traffic jams caused by idiots and those with Broken-blinker Syndrome. BS is a serious problem that the government has ignored for too long. We need to tell those in the government that we will not stand idly by while they allow BS to spread throughout the state. Soon, our whole nation will be full of BS. We cannot let this happen. Vote yes on Prop 234! Vote yes on America!

Article © 2007 by Mike Meagher