The Chronicles of Baby: The Great Food Experiment

Subject age: 7 months. Alert level: Sweet-potato-orange

Subject: Gabriel “Two Teeth” Meagher
Age: 7 Months
Height: Up to my knee
Weight: Heavier than one would think

The subject’s primary care physician has granted permission to test various forms of edible material with the child. My colleague and I agreed to start the subject on pureed food products, because lasagna and ham steaks were deemed too extreme to test on someone with very little mastication skill and might have been seen as child abuse.

Test 1: Carrots

Method of Delivery: Commercial Airliner Crashing Into a Tunnel

The subject was strapped to a plastic seat with a woven harness, which, judging from the difficulty of unlatching, was designed for jet pilots and highchairs that may reach speeds of Mach-4. The seat tray prompted an angry response, as it prevented the subject from grabbing his feet or scratching his groin. The carrots were placed in an orange, microwave-safe specimen bowl and heated to the appropriate specifications. They were fed to him with a rubber spoon, as the rubber brings out the flavor of any meal. The subject’s reaction to the spoonful of orange protoplasm was negative, producing a facial reaction that can only be described as “Grandpa accidentally watched a Lady Gaga video.”

Carrots terminated.

Test 2: Rice Cereal

Method of Delivery: WWI Biplane Shot Down Behind Enemy Lines

The subject was once again restrained for his own protection. The cereal was prepared to specifications, which included adding the foulest concoction on earth: Formula. I tested the temperature with my finger and then licked the digit clean, which was a mistake I promised never to make again. Although my reaction to the gray, putrid mush was negative, the subject was pleased with his newly-given gruel.

Rice cereal given a permanent spot in food rotation.

Test 3: Peas

Method of Delivery: Supersonic Jet Entering a Wormhole

Subject was given a spoonful of peas. Subject violently ejected peas from his mouth.

Subject does not like peas.

Test 4: Prunes

Method of Delivery: Single-Engine Cessna

Subject had a positive reaction to the prunes. He greedily finished the bowl. Subject likes prunes.

Later, subject violently ejected prunes from a lower orifice.

Prunes given a designation of “in case of constipation.”

Test 5: Sweet Potato

Method of Delivery: Single-Engine Cessna, Sputtering Engine with Drunk Pilot

Subject devoured several bowls of the orange mash. He was impressed with the delicate yet bold flavor produced by the pureed meal. The subject expressed his pleasure with the meal by producing an orange drool that would stain several of his bibs. After the meal, we would discover that the subject was hiding several servings of the goo under his neck fat.

Later, the subject would have an output in his diaper that would match both the color and texture of the input.

Sweet potato placed in heavy rotation.

Conclusion

Over several weeks, the subject tested several different foods, including avocado, squash, and apples. Despite the negative results of Test 1, we may conclude that, much like a 90-year-old man, the subject likes substances that are soft, pureed, and assist in the excretion of waste.

My colleague and I are pleased by his progress, but fear that he will begin to take on the characteristics of the sweet potatoes he is so fond of. We fear he may develop the complexion of an Oompa-Loompa. If he begins to sing in rhyme and produce chocolate, we may have to intervene.

Further investigations to continue as warranted.

Article © 2013 by Mike Meagher