Riding Shotgun: Homogenization Nation

To hell with accepting personal differences — let’s obliterate them instead.

Conflict after conflict fills this morning’s newspaper — just like every other newspaper printed since Gutenberg started playing Scrabble. There’s Democrat vs. Republican, Sunni vs. Shiite, the government vs. the media, company vs. stockholders vs. workers vs. consumers, atheist vs. Christian vs. Muslim vs. Jew vs. Mel Gibson. It never ends. Human life seems like just one big melee. We see people who think differently from us, we argue with them, fight them, hurt them. Until their point of view dies or they do.

Well, I’ve had just about enough of it.

No, no, no, I’m not going to go off on a thing about we all just need to embrace people whose beliefs are different, blah, blah, blah. That’s been done to death in 30 years of sitcom episodes and After School Specials, and it hasn’t done jack. The closest that got us to universal acceptance was that “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing” commercial, and that was decades ago.

Nope, there’s only one answer, one road to world peace: Homogenization. Yeah, like they do with milk, but with personal belief structures.

Now, I’m not talking about picking one particular belief over another, so don’t go whining about subjugation and religious genocide. I’m talking about taking all the political, religious and social beliefs of the world, swirling them into a nice, smooth consistency, and then having everyone believe the same thing. That way, maybe, we’d stop blowing each other up in fruit markets.

What about individuality, you ask? What about personal identity? Overrated. And, really, it’s on its way out already. All over the world we’re eating the same food, drinking the same drinks, watching the same crap television, illegally downloading the same movies. The Internet is the closest we’ve come to a hive mind since our species was climbing through the trees trying to get the juiciest fruitbats. Why not just keep taking it to its logical conclusion?

For example: we do away with political parties, and we all agree that we want a massive government with very limited powers, run by politicians who can raise taxes whenever they want but can only make laws that have absolutely no effect whatsoever on the average person. The president will be President For Life — but must spend his or her entire term of office locked in a broom closet and doped to the gills on Thorazine. There, done.

Gay marriage? Everyone will be a bisexual leather freak, and marriage will be mandatory. However, that marriage can be with any consenting person, animal or inanimate object.

Abortion will be unnecessary, because all babies will be born in test tubes and raffled off to parents (single, married, polyamorous, or otherwise) who can prove in a court of law that they aren’t complete shits.

Everyone will believe that Buddha died on the cross for our sins, but the cross broke, so he was carried away on the shoulders of Moses and Vishnu, who later became his sidekicks in an eternal battle against interstellar crime. Mondays will be set aside for worship, and everyone in the community will gather naked around the town Maypole to dance in the new seasons. They will also keep kosher.

Everyone will be a smoker, but cigarettes will be made up of orange peelings and chocolate stuck together with liberal amounts of hashish.

Everyone will drink Diet Pepsi and regular Coke, putting an end to the Great Cola Wars.

Animals will still be used to test drugs designed for humans. And humans will be used to test shock collars and cattle prods. All people will be allowed to eat whatever kind of meat they want, but they have to track, hunt, kill, and field dress it themselves. (Actually, that might violate the whole “kosher” thing. We’re still working out the kinks here. —eds.)

But those hunters can’t use guns, since we’ll have melted all the guns in the world down to make slides and swing sets for inner city playgrounds. Bullets will still be legal, though — so if a guy wants to shoot someone, he’ll just have to learn to throw them really hard.

And there you have it: a more peaceful world — praise Space Commander Buddha!

Article © 2007 by Steve Spotswood