Das History

As written by this loser.

As a history teacher, I am always curious about how other countries deal with various historic events, especially those that involved the US. Most American textbooks have a nationalistic slant, and, as a teacher, I know how hard it is to entirely escape that bias. All teachers would like to say that this does not happen, but no one can completely eliminate it from the classroom.

So, how do other countries’ biases work their way into their schools?

The Revolutionary War (British Version)

The colonists were dreadfully unappreciative for all the gifts given to them by Mother England, and they did not want to pay taxes, even though everyone in Britain had to pay them. So, they stamped their feet, threw some tea into the sea, and wrote a one-page paper about independence. We sent our brave troops over there to keep the peace, and after several battles, the British generals decided that America wasn’t that great. It had too many squirrels, and after the French came, it kinda smelled funny. So, we let them keep their useless wilderness, their democracy, and their uncivilized DMVs. Pip Pip! Cheerio!

Also, George Washington owned slaves, ate trans-fats, and worshipped Satan!

World War II (German Version)

The leader of Germany, whose name was lost to history, decided to vacation in Austria, Poland, and France. Since he was so important, he had to bring the German army for protection! But then the English got their lederhosen in a bunch, saying they didn’t want him taking a holiday in their country because they said he left a mess everywhere he went. Our leader sent them care packages from planes, but they didn’t appreciate his gifts. The Russians were upset that they didn’t get presents, but it was too cold to deliver gifts to them. Then the Americans said, “Hey! We like presents! We want some efficiently well-crafted German goods!” So, he invited all those countries to come to Germany for an early Christmas party, but they arrived so late that our leader died of a broken heart. Also,hekilledmillionsofJews. When they finally showed up, they were so upset that they broke our country up like our leader’s poor heart, and they built a wall to remind everyone that Germany is strong and sturdy.

But what they didn’t know is that our leader was really on his dream vacation in South America! Where he delivers puppies to children, fights fires, cures diseases with his stare, hunts sasquatch, and sells timeshares under the name Chet Wonderful! But don’t Google any of this!

Also, Dwight Eisenhower juggled babies, ate trans-fats, and hated Chet Wonderful.

All of US History (Native American Version)

We helped John Smith. We helped out the Pilgrims. They gave us polio, broke treaties, stole our lands, killed all our buffalo, polluted our rivers, pushed us onto reservations, and tried to eradicate our culture to make us be more like them. At least they name their sports teams after us.

Also, George Custer drank human blood, ate trans-fats, and murdered puppies in adorable sweaters.

All of 20th Century World History (Switzerland)

We stayed neutral, made chocolate, ate trans-fats, accepted everyone’s secret gold and money (but not from anyone named “Chet Wonderful”! How preposterous!), skied, rejected Steve McQueen, herded goats, and made awesome watches!

Also, Roger Federer is awesome!

Article © 2013 by Mike Meagher