On Tuesday, Americans reelected Barack Obama, choosing the incumbent Democratic president over a Republican challenger and a bevy of third-party candidates who only got crazier as you looked down the list. I was half expecting to find a grizzled 1840s prospector candidate somewhere in there saying his economic plan was to “finally find the gold in ’dem ’der hills,” followed by wild, toothless cackling.
If you are like me, you tired weeks ago of all the political ads, the endless news coverage, and the same political conversations over and over again. I think we could have done better, having an actual campaign based on the pressing issues of our day. So I present to you the presidential candidates that I would have found much more interesting and effective than this year’s actual choices:
Sesame Street Muppets.
Running Mate: Telly Monster, for his “Triangle Economic Plan” and the neurotic vote.
Platform: Raise funding for pigeon Air Force, cut the deficit by cutting unnecessary programs to help the homeless (who live in garbage cans and seem grouchy anyway), remove illegal immigrants from city neighborhoods, pro-business (especially paperclips and bottle caps), and “no comment” in regards to gay marriage.
Scandal: Many question his relationship with his “roommate” in regards to their sleeping arrangement.
Campaign Slogan: “Lean Right with Vertical Stripes”
Running Mate: Amazing Mumford, for the elderly vote or the magician vote.
Campaign Slogan: “A Duckie in Every Tub, a Rabbit in Every Hat”
Running Mate: Count von Count, for his counting of cookies.
Platform: Pro-cookie, pro-objects-that-resemble-cookies, pro-things-that-begin-with-C-as-long-as-they’re-cookies, pro-gun, pro-education, and anti-cookie-haters.
Scandal: With America’s rampant obesity problem, Cookie Monster’s binges with no apparent swallowing make many wonder whether he really has a gizzard. Birthers demand to see Count’s birth certificate, but he cannot remember his date of birth.
Campaign Slogan: “COOOOOOOOKIE! NOM NOM NOM”
Running Mate: Joe Biden
Scandal: After receiving much support from America, Grover was assassinated by Mr. Johnson, the blue guy who always ended up with Grover as his waiter in that restaurant. Mr. Johnson was quoted as shouting, “He never got my order right. NEVER!” Joe Biden becomes president, and is lambasted for his Amazing Mumford-esque gaffes.
Campaign Slogan: “Up, Up, and Osama bin Laden is Dead.”
This would truly be a wonderful world.
Well, except for the assassination of Grover.