Dear Santa

A couple requests for the big guy.

Dear Santa,

I’ve been very nice this year — if you grade nice on a curve. It should be a pretty steep one, considering the antics some other little boys and girls got up to, so I’m taking that into consideration as I pass on my Christmas wishes.

First, could you start the Christmas season a little earlier next year? I know stores were putting up decorations even before Halloween, but maybe they could start around Labor Day next time. Labor Day’s a shit holiday. It needs some sprucing up. And Baby Jesus knows I could do with a couple more months of Christmas music. I still have an IQ point or two left.

And speaking of IQ points, is there any way you could dumb down Christian conservatives a bit? They’re getting so smart — what with all the Good Book-learnin’ — that I just can’t follow their arguments anymore. First they say God created the world in six days, but got tuckered out on the seventh just after pulling a Mortal Kombat move on Adam, ripping one of his ribs off of his spinal column and creating Eve.

All this time, I thought human beings were created through fucking. Go figure. Then they start calling it “intelligent design.” And I get the “design” part, but the “intelligent” is eluding me. Anyway, next time you talk to the Old White Man upstairs, could you suggest pulling back the throttle a bit on the ideological brainpower? Calling Pat Robertson home might work. He and Baby Jesus seem to be really good friends, and I think Pat would really like the change of scenery.

As a stocking stuffer, I’d really like a few dozen doses of that new cervical cancer vaccine. Not for myself, of course, but to keep out of the hands of impressionable, sex-starved adolescents. I really think Pat and his friends have the right of it on this one. Take away the risk of contracting the human papilloma virus (HPV) and teenagers are going to be having sex left and right. Because when a 15-year-old thinks of the possible repercussions of unprotected vaginal intercourse, they think of HPV and how, in the Nov. 21, 2002, issue of the New England Journal of Medicine, researchers reported that it was responsible for more than 50 percent of cervical cancers.

With all those raging hormones, the last thing they need is a cancer vaccine. Better safe than sorry.

Could you also bring some peace, love and understanding to the people of France, please? I think it’s time the citizens of Europe learned that it’s only through the inclusion of all races and all religions into a national consciousness that a country will be able to move forward in the modern world.

And could you bring a little bit of warmth and cheer to the members of the Minutemen Project, who have taken time out of their busy schedule of driving very fast around the Southwestwhile heavily armed , to travel to my own home of Virginia to protect us from the evil illegal immigrants that are trying to steal underpaid, off-the-books, benefits-free construction jobs from us good, law-abiding citizens.

Why, with men around who have time on their hands to drive 2,000 miles and spend months riding around in vans snapping Polaroids of unsuspecting Latinos and then wander the grocery store in under-sized fatigues and aviator shades, chomping on an unlit cigar like Hannibal Peck with a beer gut, I’ve never felt safer.

Lastly, please send our President a big, gift-wrapped box of temperance, humility and wisdom to help him find the best path for our country through these troubled times abroad. I know he’s doing his best, but if you could just give him whatever help you can, that would be great. And possibly the occasional hummer from a White House intern. That seemed to help the last guy.

So, I’ll let you go now. I know you’re busy. Sacks to fill, sleighs to wax, reindeers to … wax.

Thanks for listening,

Your friend at Riding Shotgun

p.s.: A new X-Box 360 wouldn’t be so bad, either.

Article © 2005 by Steve Spotswood