Slightly Enumerated: War, Famine, Pestilence, and Snooki

Behold, the signs of the Apocalypse!

The end is nigh! The end is nigh! According to the Mayan calendar, which was created thousands of years ago, we will all witness the end of the world in December 2012. The good news is that we won’t have to do any Christmas shopping. The bad news is that Mayan zombies will rise up and eat our delicious brains.

As a knowledgeable observer, I have taken it upon myself to show the world the signs that are all around us. I have read the tea leaves of total devastation. Behold, the signs of our impending destruction:

3. “The Jersey Shore”

The Bible tells of a Beast with Seven Heads, which comes out of the sea. It does not specify which sea, or if this beast has seven different names, but does say that it’s covered in blasphemous names. I believe this beast is orange in color, frequents gyms, tanning facilities, and Laundromats, and has been known to beat up the beat. Did anyone have any doubt that the ultimate evil would spring out of an MTV show?

This Biblical beast is said to have 10 horns. My theory is that these 10 horns are really 10 STDs that will originate with the beast. Some are known to the world: herpes, syphilis, and chlamydia. But some will be mutated forms of disease found only in hippos, garden gnomes, and sea anemone. In this way, this beast will ravage the world, turning us all into tan, gorilla-juice-heads. Beware of the fire-breathing hell spawn!

Seriously, please cancel that damn show. Make them all just go away.

2. The Tea Party

The biggest radical group that has taken to the streets to protest the ills of government is … the Tea Party? It’s true. In the 60s, the United States was taken over by the hippies, with their free love, psychedelic drugs, and pacifism. Today, we have been taken over by the teabaggers, with their racism, tri-cornered hats, and their overall teabaggery, which from my Internet search of “teabagging”, I can only assume is sexual in nature. Teabaggers are conservatives, who would like to see an end to taxes, no more government interference in business and in citizens’ lives, and free trade for tri-cornered hats and Revolutionary-era flags.

The biggest radical movement in our society today is conservative. Think about that. The Rapture is upon us.

1. The Election of Obama

In 2008, the majority of the United States voted for an African-American to become president. Citizens put aside their racism, bigotry, and ignorance to elect Obama. A country, which allowed slavery to go on longer than in most of the civilized world, elected a black man to the highest office in the country. A country that just 40 years ago believed that blacks and whites should be “separate, but equal” elected Barak Obama to be leader of the free world.

This is the point where I believe hell froze over. The fiery pit became a frozen tundra. According to the Weather Channel, It was the hottest summer on record in the capital. The Devil must have started looking for a new place. Perhaps a nice Georgetown home with all the senators and congressmen.

Maybe he’ll run for president. The next election is in … dun dun dun … 2012.

Lucifer/Palin 2012 — or maybe that’s redundant.

Article © 2010 by Mike Meagher