The concept for this list started several years ago, while I watched a theatrical production featuring my former roommate and fellow Crunchablite Kevin Brotzman. Sadly, my enjoyment of his performance was diminished by that of the actress cast as the main character — a mischievous and moronic servant who, like many Shakespearean clowns, is both the cause of and solution to the problems within the play.
The character was annoying. The actress playing her was irritating. She was a mouth ulcer that needs to heal, but you keep poking it with your tongue, making it worse. Then, you accidentally bite your lip right where the ulcer is!
After suffering through the grating performance for an hour or so, I escaped into the dark recesses of my terrifyingly sexy mind. Suddenly, I flashed on an image of myself pummeling the actress with a metal shovel. I was repeatedly hitting her square in her rodent-like face, each blow landing with a satisfying “klang!” I didn’t personally wish to harm the actress in any way. I just needed to aggressively hit her in the face with a hard, metal shovel.
Then, I realized I didn’t have to stop there. There were a lot of people in this world that needed a good shovel to the face. Thus, the Shovel List was born.
5. Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly
I know what most people would think: “Mike, you are just brainwashed by the left-wing, liberal, socialist, communist, fascist, sexist, transcendentalist, lame-stream media.” Well, you’ll be surprised to know they are not on this list because of their political views. I would never hate people just because they are Republicans or conservatives. No, I hate them because they’re morons.
Glenn Beck has an insane and totally incorrect view of U.S. history. For example, Beck extols the accomplishments of the Founding Fathers, putting them on a god-like pedestal made of his own self-importance. But the Founding Fathers were not gods. Franklin was a letch, Adams was hated, and Washington and Jefferson loved themselves some slaves. (Jefferson REALLY loved a slave, but that’s another story.)
Beck wants to bring back the days of the founding of the country — when democracy and freedom reigned, supposedly. Well, in the 1780s through the early 1800s, politicians fought to the death, Congress had little power, the South had thousands of slaves, women had no rights, the economy was in the toilet, men wore wigs, and smallpox killed thousands. That’s right, Glenn Beck wants to bring back smallpox. And for this he needs a shovel to the face.
Now, Bill O’Reilly … in comparison doesn’t seem that bad. And for that, Beck must be stopped. KLANG!
4. Billy Seacrest
It is my belief that Billy Bush and Ryan Seacrest are the same person, or some sort of Siamese anti-Christ. They look similar. They act similar. They ask the same asinine questions to the same asinine celebrities. They might as well be the same person.
The reason they make the list is not purely because of their saturation into every aspect of television. It’s because they make millions of dollars for it. Every time Seacrest welcomes you to the talent hellscape of “American Idol,” he makes hundreds of thousands of dollars. Every time Bush interviews Carrot Top, he makes hundreds of thousands of dollars. Only in America could this be possible. In other countries, these two would be left on a hillside to be eaten by wolves. KLANG!
3. That Guy
This spot is saved for an arbitrary guy that everyone meets in his or her everyday lives. He’s the guy that doesn’t tip, or that guy that cuts you off in traffic. He’s that guy who cuts in line, or complains when his coffee isn’t ready the second he orders it. He’s that guy who jumps in front of a kid to get a foul ball, and doesn’t apologize or give the kid the ball. He’s that guy. Everyone knows that guy. Grab a shovel. UNIVERSAL KLANG!
2. Tim McCarver
Tim McCarver is a former baseball player and current baseball sportscaster for FoxSports. He’s so high on this list because of his constant, infuriating tendency to state the obvious. He would say things like “You see, baseball uses a bat and a ball, and you want to score the most runs.” Those cases are only marginally better than the times he makes no sense at all, like when he once claimed home runs were a bad thing.
The only decent part is when McCarver’s broadcast partner, Joe Buck, pauses for a moment after McCarver says something painfully idiotic. The pause is a “I can’t believe he’s such a moron” pause. Then, Buck continues with the broadcast.
McCarver is so bad and so annoying that my father has started muting the television and turning on the radio broadcast to accompany the television during games. This KLANG’s for you, Pop.
1. The Roomstore Lady
She is a capitalist hellspawn whose one goal is to tempt unsuspecting television viewers into buying marked-down furniture. She can be identified by her talon-like nose, perky voice, and devilish mom haircut. She is the Satan incarnate. She needs to be sent back to the furthest reaches of Tartarus, forever drowning in its hellfire.
In one commercial, she rides a Segway through a store while placing low prices on furniture. Segways are evil! Everyone knows this. Somewhere in the Bible it says, “And the Devil will be known by his gyroscopic scooter of pure evil and malice.” (It’s somewhere in the back.) It is foretold. I should have seen the signs. The four horsemen have already come: War, Famine, Pestilence, and Bieber! Repent! The end is nigh.
For now, I lie in wait. One day, she will come for me, and I will be ready. Her face shall know the cool metal of my trusty instrument of devastation. For, again, it is foretold in the Holy Scriptures: “And a mighty ‘KLANG!’ shall rise up from the East, and the Devil shall be banished to a Mattress Warehouse commercial or something, and the mighty hero shall sleep ’til noon.”
It’s somewhere in the back.