Slightly Enumerated: Failed Titles for This Column

An article by any other name would smell as sweet.

When I first asked Crunchable Editor Guy Mike Duck if I could write this monthly article, he inquired about what I wanted to name it. It was a tough call. What do I name an feature that is pretty much a self-serving list of whatever I decide I want to write about? Also, how many times could I mention myself in the title?

Editor Guy Duck and I e-mailed back and forth about a possible title, and most of them did not make the grade. Here are some of the rejects.

1. “Listable”

I thought this was clever. It followed the theme of the rest of the site, making it a pretty easy fit to what already existed. Plus, it was catchy to say. “Hey, Garry, did you read that Listable? It was awesome! That guy should win a Pulitzer.” Plus, it could have had its own theme song: “Your Un-Listable,” by EMF. Alas, we could not afford the music rights, so “Listable” was out.

2. “A Meager List”

See, my last name is spelled “Meagher,” which many people confuse with the word “meager.” But my last is pronounced “mar,” while “meager” is pronounced “meeger.” So, I thought it would be cute to have the column name be a play on my last name, “Meagher” — but instead of “Meagher,” it would be “Meager,” because many people think my name is said that way. But it’s not; it’s pronounced “Mar”.

EdDuck was confused by this.

3. “The Enumerator”

The list would be a robot built in the future, but sent back to the past to make lists about things that would ultimately kill me, allowing the cyborg’s lists to rule the world. The only way to stop these lists would be to drive 88 miles per hour to go back in time and save Doc from the Wild West. Then, and only then, would we realize that Huey Lewis is the Matrix, whose only weakness is the power of love.

4. “Go Enumerate Yourself”

This was not really a title suggestion. This was my response when Duck did not like my explanation of “The Enumerator.”

5. “Listy List List” or “A List of Enumerated Listables”

Redundant? Yes. Repetitive? Of course. Stupid? And how! Rejected? Summarily.

6. “Enumerated Sex with Dr. Feelgood”

I think this was a really strong candidate. The list would focus on helping young lovers with organizational fetishes. One week, I would offer suggestions to couples wishing to copulate while making a grocery list. Another week, the good doctor would help a couple desiring to be amorous while developing a bulleted PowerPoint presentation.

This would have taken Crunchable in a whole new direction. It would have become an online publication devoted to helping out those who are forced to live in the shadows of society, merely because they want to have sexual intercourse on a pile of old “To Do” lists. Dr. Feelgood would have been the next Oprah.

I don’t remember why we didn’t go in this direction. I think Duck was afraid of the fame and notoriety I would have received.

Article © 2010 by Mike Meagher