Slightly Enumerated is a venture into the world of lists. Since Crunchable editor guy Mike Duck was drunk at the time I asked, he has agreed to publish a regular monthly feature in which I enumerate various aspects of my life, our lives, or the world. Some months, the article may be a countdown. Other months, it may be a list of 5, 7, 10, or 139, but don’t worry, I can’t count that high. Here is my first attempt. May God have mercy on us all.
I married my beautiful wife Julianne last August. During this first year of marriage, I came to the realization that being married is much, much different than dating someone. Here are the important things I’ve learned:
1. We always spend MY money.
When we were first married, we combined our bank accounts. Yet every time we spend money on something, my wife informs me we’re spending my money.
I think it gives her peace of mind. If she buys things with my money, she doesn’t feel like she’s spending her own, and therefore, she can buy more. Often, I will come home to find that I have bought my wife clothing, shoes, furniture, or some object that she found cute. I had no idea that I had bought my wife such nice things, but there they are.
2. My house is a business.
When we purchased our lovely three-bedroom home, we went into business with each other. She became the CEO, and I became a day laborer. I thought we were purchasing a nice house that needed very little work. She had a different view. Rooms needed painting; holes needed patching; wallpaper needed to be expunged from the face of the earth. (I happened to agree with the last one.) She had come up with a schedule and an extensive business plan for me to carry out — with my money.
3. My socks are worse than Hitler!
There are many problems in the world. We have starving people in Africa, the worst oil spill in U.S. history, and war throughout the world. And yet, worse than all those things, the most evil things on the face of this earth are my dirty socks.
Every time my wife sees one of my smelly socks, she sees the face of the devil. She is dumbfounded by my inability to put my socks into my hamper. I have no good excuse for this habit, so naturally I will fight to the death for my right to keep doing it. Besides, I have spent most of this year piling my clothes on top of my hamper, so now it’s too much work to open the top. So, I will continue my fight. Viva la socks! Viva la floor!
4. I am always wrong.
I am a college-educated man! I’m a teacher — I mold the minds of the young people of today! I’m a pretty smart guy, I swear! When she put that ring on my finger, I became the biggest moron on the face of the earth.
I can teach kids about the complex economy of the United States, but apparently, I do not understand where things are supposed to go in my own kitchen. I can understand Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, but I do not know how to put toilet paper on the roll. I don’t know what color the rooms in my house should be, I don’t know how to load the dishwasher properly, and I can never seem to win an argument. Did I lose my mind? Am I really this dumb?
Wait … don’t answer that.
5. We’re a pretty good team.
When the wedding was over and our real lives began, I was astonished by how wonderful a team we are. I always knew that Julianne was perfect for me, but I didn’t know just how good we’d be together.
We support each other when we are depressed or stressed. We take care of each other when we’re sick. We get each other out of conversations or events we just don’t want to attend. If I don’t want to go somewhere, I don’t have to because conveniently Julianne has a party that we have to go to. It’s a perfect system. It’s a perfect team. She’s the Cher to my Sonny, the peanut butter to my jelly, the Cheech to my Chong.
At least until she finds my socks.