Damn You, Tiny Tim

I really frickin’ hate that creep. And his ukulele.

Note from the eds: Upon learning of our February theme, “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly,” Jon recalled this blog post he had written about Tiny Tim, thought it was perfect for the theme, and asked if we’d be interested in publishing a revised and expanded version of it here on Crunchable. We couldn’t say no — partially because we feared a ukulele to the head.

“All great things must first wear terrifying and monstrous masks in order to inscribe themselves on the hearts of humanity.”

Friedrich Nietzsche

After 28 years of wandering this odd planet, I have finally found something of which I am genuinely terrified. It scares me more than snakes, more than premature burial, even more than the United States’ dismal voter turnout. That thing is Tiny Tim.

No, not the cute little paraplegic Mouseketeer who was saved by the Spirit of Christmas. I refer to the unholy abomination whose novelty hit “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” threatens good taste to this very day. To me, Tiny Tim is the sum of all fears, the sleep of reason. He’s the thing I thought was hiding in my closet when I was a kid. Every time I hear that wretched song I want to reach through space and time, snatch that ukulele out of his hands, and smash it over his head.

You’d think that a mere glance at these photos would close any discussion on the matter. Yet amazingly, whenever I bring this up, someone in the room inevitably tells me that the nasty little goblin was “funny” or “cute” and that I need to chill out. To any of you who are thinking that this very minute, I can only say this: Are we talking about the same person? Look at that picture! That’s not cute, folks. That’s a mockery of nature.

Tiny Tim reflects everything wrong with our society. When you see a creature like that thing in the picture, you should throw rocks at it, not give it a signing bonus. I never thought I’d say this, but tolerance needs limits. I’m all for equal treatment and due process, but only if the individual in question is recognizably human. Some things would simply be better handled by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks.

Oh, I’m being a bitch now am I? It’s mean to mock people because of their appearance and I should just leave the goofy little weirdo alone? He might’ve been strange, but at heart he was a sweet Christian boy who meant no harm to anyone, huh? Actually, no he wasn’t. According to reliable sources he was a sexist, homophobic jerk. (Note from the eds: Not that we question Jon’s research, but the only sources we could find to support his statement are this reprinted story from Star magazine and this page on a Tiny Tim fansite. So, um … please don’t sue us, estate of Tiny Tim!)


Article © 2010 by Jonathan Balog