Most people spend their whole lives hoping they will see something extraordinary happen. I am no different — I long for a whole host of changes, from the fantastical to the banal, that would drastically affect the lives of so many people. In enumerating them here, I could have started with Peace on Earth, or an End to Disease, or Natural Disasters, or the Meaning of Lady Gaga. But I decided on these four instead:
Hollywood Stops Making Terrible Movies
I have seen many bad movies in my time — “Secret Window,” “Observe and Report,” and “Super Mario Brothers,” just to name a few. These movies were not entertaining, and certainly would not win any awards. (Note from the eds: Besides the Razzies, natch.)
Hollywood needs to reevaluate the movies it forces upon the American public. If the movie stars Martin Lawrence, Eddie Murphy, or Yahoo Serious, just don’t make it. If the movie is written by people responsible for “Dude, Where’s My Car?,” then don’t give it the green light. If the title of the movie begins with “American Pie,” burn it.
Just once, I’d like Hollywood studio types to put their ad money behind movies that are good, entertaining, and well written. I don’t have a problem with movies that are stupid or goofy or funny; I mind movies that star an actor in a fat suit, or a Wayans brother in whiteface, or winners of “American Idol.” If Hollywood still insists on producing terrible movies, just give a few middle school students a camera. I’m sure they can keep up America’s vital supply of fart jokes.
Members of Congress Do Their Job
“We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union …” is how the Preamble of the U.S. Constitution begins. This is solid proof that even the Founding Fathers had no idea what they were talking about. Nothing can be “more perfect.” If it’s perfect, it’s perfect.
In more 200 years, not much has changed. Politicians argue back and forth, vote along party lines, lie, cheat, steal, kiss babies, deny those babies health care, rob those babies of their precious lollipops claiming that it was a lollipop tax, and then throw that lollipop away because it was grape flavored.
For once, I would like to see politicians do the job that we elected them to do. I am not speaking about just Democrats or Republicans, but all the politicians. They need to stop worrying about getting reelected and make the tough decisions that Americans have elected them to make.
And if that’s not possible, then, just once, I’d like Godzilla to eat them.
Television News is Actually News
On the whole, the evening newscasts on the broadcast networks is presented by competent, unbiased men and women. In contrast, cable news channels usually offer “news” reported by highly biased buffoons, whether it’s a Republican-leaning host or a Democratic one. These people don’t present news, they present opinions they pretend are news.
For once, I would like to see these cable news shows to suddenly become actual news shows — shows with unbiased news; not news about Shakira’s new tin foil dress, but news about important and vital information. Then, people would stop watching. Or, better yet, they’d become well-informed human beings.
And maybe those well-informed human beings would force “Access Hollywood” and “Entertainment Tonight” off the air, too. And finally, Billy Bush would be where we always thought he would be: The unemployment line.
God Returns to Set Things Right
Religion has been one of the most controversial issues throughout human history. Some of the greatest and most horrific events in human history have been because of religion. During the Crusades, for example, Christians killed thousands of Jews, Muslims, and even other Christians. But without the Crusades, Europe would never have gained the knowledge or inventions they gained through that inter-cultural contact.
The pattern continues today, of course. Critics point out the religious overtones in the current war in Iraq. Terrorists hide behind religion to achieve their horrible goals.
To solve all the world’s religious problems, I would like God to come down to Earth and set things right. (Note from the eds: Or, depending on your beliefs, come back down to Earth and set things right.) I want God to tell everyone what He would like us to do. I’d like Him to tell us that we should just all get along, be good to each other and ourselves, and find a way to work and live together. Maybe He could hold a press conference, or go on Oprah.
Then, once God returns to heaven, He will reveal to us the one true religion: Lady Gaga. Think about it.